and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
