Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
