apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
