You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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