I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
