just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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