I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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