if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
