hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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