watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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