She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
