Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
