My Higher Power is John Stamos
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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