Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
