Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
