The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
