I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
