I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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