I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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