There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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