Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
