Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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