when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
