Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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