I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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