When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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