I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
