My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
