So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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