Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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