I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize