why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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