What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
