Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
