She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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