he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
