so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
