On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I need to align my fucking chakras
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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