I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
