apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
