mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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