When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
