I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If that was your dad, he is hot
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
