I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
