I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
