Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think im going to throw up on grandma
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
