The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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