Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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