I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
