So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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