If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
