So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm just crazy horny about you
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
